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10 Ways To Tell People They Can't Touch Your Beard

By Vincent Manning

10 Ways To Tell People They Can't Touch Your Beard

Disclaimer: This article is borderline ridiculous.

Second Disclaimer: Disregard the disclaimer, this article is just plain ridiculous.

Third Disclaimer: Keeping the second disclaimer in mind, there's some solid info in here for those of you with Boss status beards that people constantly want to touch.

Before we get into the meat and potatoes of how to tell a stranger they can’t touch your beard, we need to break down the scoring on these responses. Some of these are like triple black diamonds, some of these are bunny slopes, some of these find their home somewhere in between, and then one of them could potentially get you arrested.

The Scoring System:

The scoring system is similar to that of diving. You take the total score from Usability, Empathy, and Danger Level, then multiply it by the Difficulty to get your overall score.

Here’s an example:

Danger: 4
Usability: 8
Empathy Score: 6
Difficulty: 2
Overall: 36

We’ll show our work like you used to in 7th-grade math. Here ya go.
Danger (4) + Usability (8) + Empathy Score (6) = 18
18 x Difficulty (2) = Overall (36)

So that’s how it works. The good news is we did all that trigonometry for ya. Let’s get into it.

#1 - Say “No”

Danger: 4
Usability: 10
Empathy Score: 2.5
Difficulty: 3.5
Overall: 57.75

This answer is straightforward and that’s why we’re putting it right up at the top. Say no, move on, and continue being a Boss. With that being said, saying no to a cute baby, a cute lady, or Tom Brady would be more difficult. If you succeed, rewards yourself with a nice relaxing Bossman Beard Soap Lather.

#2 - “I’m Allergic To Hands”

Danger: 4
Usability: 5
Empathy Score: 5
Difficulty: 2.5
Overall: 35

This response is for the daredevils, the thrill-seekers, and the adrenaline junkies. At the surface, it might seem like a harmless response, but when you get into it there’s a lot more than meets the eye. The range of responses and reactions you could receive from this one could be vast.

Examples below..

- Empathy “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was a thing.”
- Anger “THAT’S NOT A THING, LET ME TOUCH YOUR BEARD.”
- Intrigue “Hmm, when were you diagnosed? Are you allergic to your own hands?”
- No Response *Blank Stare*

#3 - “Maybe Later”

Danger: 4
Usability: 5
Empathy Score: 5
Difficulty: 3
Overall: 42

“Maybe later” is purely to buy yourself more time to sift through the other 10 responses found here. You’ve stunned the person asking you for beard touching permissions and have between 2 seconds and 30 minutes to figure out what to say. We highly recommend pairing #3 with #5. Say “maybe later” and then get the f**k outta there, Boss.

#4 - “Yes”

Danger: 10
Usability: 10
Empathy Score: 0
Difficulty: 1
Overall: 20

I know what you’re thinking “this one doesn’t make sense the article title is 10 ways to tell someone they can’t touch your beard, wah, blah, blah…” well shut it and then scroll down to the bottom real quick and come back up. We’ll wait. Oh, would ya look at that there’s 11 of them. Yepp. 10 ways to say no. 1 way to say yes. Be warned, however, this one’s dangerous. In a previous encounter with a police officer by the name of Officer Huckleberry, there wasn’t even an allowance of engagement before the beard was being touched and the questioning began. This explains the danger score of 10. You’re setting the wolves free here. Good luck ya crazy person.

#5 - Run Away As Fast As You Physically Can And In No Particular Direction

  • Danger: 6
  • Usability: 6
  • Empathy Score: 0
  • Difficulty: 2.5
  • Overall: 30

There aren’t a lot of details to be added for this one. Just run. Go on. Go on git. Get on outta there. Run. Okay, moving on.

#6 - “Why?”

Danger: 6
Usability: 6
Empathy Score: 0
Difficulty: 2.5
Overall: 30

There aren’t a lot of details to be added for this one. Just run. Go on. Go on git. Get on outta there. Run. Okay, moving on. Running fast enough could cause some whispies and flyaways... make sure you've got some Bossman Beard Pomade holding down the fluff.

#7 - “You can, but for $6”

Danger: 8
Usability: 2
Empathy Score: 1
Difficulty: 3.5
Overall: 38.5

Congratulations, if the answer to this response is yes or a swift reach for the wallet… you can now toss the phrase “entrepreneur” in the bio of your Instagram and start selling a mini-course. In the unlikely - but likely - scenario that you're not compensated for your beard being touched, you might be entitled to financial compensation. Call us at 888-888-8888-888-8888-888.

#8 - “Did you make a reservation?”

Danger: 8
Usability: 7
Empathy Score: 1
Difficulty: 2
Overall: 32

Your 5-Star Yelp reviewed beard has a waitlist of three weeks, walk-ins are welcome to those only of significant financial or social status, and you’re the highly recommended chef cooking up that beautiful beard. No reservation. No Beardtouchination. Be gone human.

#9 - Just Start Fake Crying Until They Leave

Danger: 9
Usability: 5
Empathy Score: 10
Difficulty: 4
Overall: 96

Caution: Risky Response Above. A fake cry (or real cry if you get caught off guard) IS one of the more versatile responses to the “Can I touch your beard?” question. The array of responses to this question as well give it the high danger score of 9 and a rowdy difficulty rating of 9 as well. Who knows what someone’s going to do when a grown bearded beauty like yourself breaks down in tears. They might pull a #5 on ya.

#10 - Respond With Something Completely Off-Topic

Danger: 7
Usability: 5
Empathy Score: 1
Difficulty: 3.5
Overall: 45.5

This one’s awesome and we don’t really care if you think otherwise. Nothing better than some aggressive and well-formulated off-topic response. Example time.
Question: “Can I touch your beard?”
Answer: The most expensive painting ever sold at auction was Salvator Mundi by Leonardo Da Vinci for $450 Million.
Bet ya didn’t know that. Learn something new every day.

No one asking to touch your beard? Well, then your beard may not be up to par...head over to bossmanbrand.com and get your beard on the path to success today.

#11 - “What’s That Over There?”

Danger: 4
Usability: 10
Empathy Score: 0
Difficulty: 2
Overall: 28

Similar to #5 the “What’s That Over There?” is a more advanced version that brings into play a distraction technique to buy you more time. With that time you’ve bought yourself, we highly recommend taking a page out of #5’s playbook and high tailing it on outta there. Cross your fingers that you didn’t just do this to an ex-track star.
No one asking to touch your beard? Well, then your beard may not be up to par...head over to bossmanbrand.com and get your beard on the path to success today.

SHOP BOSSMAN