Austin Daily News
Austin, TX
On September 11, 2015 at 8:45am, APD received an anonymous email including 2 photographs of unidentified luxuriously bearded males.
These two bearded men were seen fleeing the scene of Jo’s Coffee at 1300 South Congress. The now famous landmark, is one of Austin’s most visited sites and the subject to numerous photos. The “I love you so much” on the north face of the wall has struck the attention of local and visiting tourists from all over the world.
(Pictured: Jo’s Coffee)
Witness
Corroborating the anonymous email is the first report by a tearful and erratic young female who visited the site first thing with her boyfriend and sorority sisters. When maintenance arrived in the morning there was a pool of macchiato after what appeared to be several drinks dropped in disbelief. Police arrived to find her crying on her baby faced boyfriend’s shoulder, he was immediately ruled out as a suspect.
The vandals appear to have spray-painted an “r” and the word “beard” to make the wall now appear to say “I love your beard so much”. When the young female first reported the incident, she was questioned and unable to give an accurate description of the assailants. Official police statement said, she was “distracted by the rich essential smell and healthy flowing beards”. Her boyfriend was not amused.
Evidence
Fingerprints or identifying evidence were not discovered by detectives. However, a mysterious tin labeled “Heavy Duty Beard Balm” was left behind. As of now, ingredients have yet to be identified, but reports state a female officer buckled at the knees while collecting this piece of evidence.
A second piece of evidence was simply a note left behind saying “Kill the trend”, which seems to point to whatever motive was behind this senseless act. The date 12/1/15 ironically coincides with the end of “Movember“, the prostate awareness movement which urges men not to shave in observance. It would appear that bringing and maintaining awareness beyond this one month is the underlying message behind this act. Obviously these guys don’t want men to shave.
Public Plea
Investigators believe this trail of evidence is linked to a group calling themselves Bossman Brands. If you have any information about these vandals or incident, please contact the local authorities. Please consider these men to be Balmed and Dangerous.